Ah. And of course, dessert.
Can't have dinner without dessert.
- You can. - What?
It is possible to have dinner without...
- It's just a saying. - Yes, maybe she didn't know,
that's why I'm saying it.
Ah!
Mmm.
Tasty. Erm... so, I'm just going to wash up.
Don't be stupid, you're our guest.
I'm not being stupid, I've just got to do the dishes.
Tracey's culture is African.
African, yes. Yes, yes, I know, you've said it.
Tracey's African. SHE CLEARS THROAT
_
- OK, you two are doing that - _
mysterious miming thing again.
Sorry, it's just habit cos I have to go but I don't want to be rude.
I feel like the miming thing is way ruder, Trace.
Tracey.
OK, look...
Let's be adult about this.
I mean, the three of us could actually be really great friends.
Cool. Well, guys... ha-ha...
High-fives, up top. Go, team!
Yeah, you too. One, two, go, go, go, go, go.
Go away.
♪ Life ain't so great, yeah, they'll be dancing the Moan ♪
♪ And life ain't Hollywood for any one of us ♪
♪ If ever your in doubt, just get your wings out ♪
♪ Go, go on and get your wriggle on ♪
♪ Somewhere else. ♪
_
- I will trust you lord! - _
- Amen! I believe in God. - _
- God, he believes in me. - _
Traumatising.
Honestly, how can you conduct a service on the power of
yoga and meditation.
Praise be to Jesus!
SHE SQUEAKS
Hiccup. I had a hiccup.
What, you just had it that one time?
- Yeah. - Nah, there's no such thing.
You do not get "a" hiccup, you get "the" hiccups,
or you get called dumb, Cynthia.
And you get sexually transmitted infections.
- Excuse me? - Vaginitis.
I've never even had it!
- Look, you're dumb, you don't wash down there. - Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Hey!
My mum's looking for another space to turn into a church.
At first I was like, "Mum, why can't you just sit in the pew,
you haven't even read the whole Bible." But I had to accept it.
My mum loves to lead.
She just loves it.
And it's all about what you love, innit?
Right now, I am loving the idea of a dog.
Look, they don't care about your personality,
they don't care about your looks
and they will never abandon you as long
as you do not run out of food.
Look! Look at this one.
Mee-mee-mee!
The only thing that I would take from Dr Parren's church
is loving nature.
They encourage that toward all God's creation,
not just each other.
To love the sky, the plants,
the tigers, the cockroach.
Mummy, a dog! The dogs. We can get a dog, then.
No, no, no. But I will allow you now to go to the zoo.
You won't have to take care of it, Mummy,
- I would do everything myself. - You can't take care of yourself,
- how can you a dog? - Mummy, please,
- can we have a... ? - No dog.
We already have a dog.
Oh, shut up!
Shut up! Mummy, look...
- Please, please, please. - If you open your mouth...
Yes, Tracey. Stop barking.
- SHE BARKS - Cynthia!
These children. You can't even get me one minute's peace.
Sex is what the internet was made for and you want a dick.
You want some sex, now that is free.
- Preach. - Oh, all right, let's check it out.
Three's up, two's up, any up, up.
Whatever. Sign me up.
I'll prove to you that sex don't zap
from the screen to the scene for all of us.
Look, babe, if you're unlucky with guys, you're unlucky with guys.
Oi, I get men,
just don't get men in reality.
The internet is fickle, you base a whole person on a two d...
Oh, no, enough of the fucking politics.
Here, download it, let's do it.
Esther's is right.
Esther's is always right, Mandy.
Nan, your phone's like from caveman times.
Oi, Nan, I have already improved it.
Look at this site, yeah, loan-a-pup.com.
Dog owners, maybe they need baby-sitters to look after their dogs
because they got rich people things to do
and no real friends to help them. And I am going to do it.
- What? - Trace,
no-one's going to trust you with a dog.
Is it?
Have you ever even owned a dog?
- Is it? - Nan, it's done.
- See if anyone swipes you. - Anyone?
This face will give you a fucking run for your money.
- Ooh! - THEY LAUGH
I will trust you, Lord!
Amen! Amen!
Pause.
CTRL.
Screenshot.
Oh, my God.
Be game.
Ronald?
Luna, Sunny, Clara, Rebel, Fenton, Tigger.
There's two Tiggers. Look, all these people
want to borrow me their dogs...
all want me to borrow their...
Nah, it doesn't matter.
Because now I can be selective.
You know, what colour do I want?
What size do I want?
I want to show you a good time.
I bet you to, cheeky sod.
Talk about foreplay, I haven't even met you!
Well then, let's meet.
Didn't take long, did it?
Well... I don't know, er...
I've never done this sort of thing before.
- No, sorry, unfortunately... - Nor have I.
You're my first.
There we go, both virgins.
I ain't no virgin.
(HE CHUCKLES) Such a sexy voice.
Look, I'm staying at a hotel that's
apparently 1km away from you.
Why don't we have lunch there?
- OK. - Yes!
All right, Candice, I'll text you the details.
See you then.
He called you Candice.
- No, he never. - He did.
- Mmm. - Whose Facebook was signed on?
It said, "Authorised through Facebook",
not, "Authorised through Esther's Facebook."
That's all right. It's not even a clear picture.
Just put a brown wig on, he won't know the difference.
Are you completely mad?
I am three times this bitch's age.
Trust me, Candice does make-up, I'm all about looking younger,
Ola's gay... it's sorted.
What have you go to lose apart from a man you fancy if you say no?
DOOR THUDS AND DOG BARKS
Aw, hello!
She's in season.
Nah... I'm out.
Wow, your house is banging!
- What's your name again? - Lance. And you're Tracey.
Cheese and bread, this place is amazing!
What's your job? Do you need help?
I'm a photographer. These are all mine.
- You took all these pictures? - Mm-hmm.
Brah, I mean, Lance... it's a lot.
Ah, yes, and this is Orlando.
Oh, hello, Orlando!
He's so cute.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Come on. Sorry about that.
How come you don't have any pictures of Orlando?
Oh, you know, just can't get him to stay still in front of the camera.
Oh, that's a shame. It's a shame. It is a shame.
- You know, I like it, I like him, I like you. - Oh!
- What do I need to know? - Well, he's just been fed
so he won't need feeding again for another six hours.
Now, he's a very friendly dog but he will bark at other dogs
so you make sure you hold on to that leash nice and tight.
- Oh. Yes, sir. - Oh, yes, this...
This is Noah.
It's his favourite toy. So just give this a little squeeze...
and no matter what's going on he'll run straight to you.
Ah. It's a very powerful toy, Lance.
Noah is the power, Tracey.
Ooh.
I like you.
- Oh. - OK.
- Bye. - Bye-bye.
Come on, Orlando. My new friend!
What kind of god would create rules?
Not the God that we serve.
What kind of god would love one of his creations and not the other?
Hating you if you are bad,
loving you if you are good?
The God of the Bible.
That is a mother-fucking shit kind of god.
- Am I right? - CHEERING AND CLAPPING
We're all going to Heaven.
But whilst we're here...
(HE CLICKS TONGUE) ... on Earth,
let's listen to our hearts
- and let's chase our dreams. - CHEERING
Amen!
- Amen! - You are preaching blasphemy.
And I will have the blood of this entire church on my hands
if I do not speak!
Please, sister, do. We encourage an open dialogue.
What you encourage is sin.
You are a liar.
You have to do good things and not sin to get to Heaven.
I used to be like you.
First, your legs wide open, then arms.
No to both, thank you.
And if you're pregnant before you're married,
you should be sat at the back, not over there with God
- because my... - SHE SOBS
It's OK, Cynthia. It's all right.
Come on.
Come with me. It's all right.
APPLAUSE
Amen.
Good boy! Aren't you good?
Did you have a nice time in the park?
Maybe I'll give you a little-wittle treat, huh?
- Why do I know that bloody dog? - My dog is not bloody.
This dog don't have no period.
And second of all, all dogs look like this, Mandy.
Have you not noticed though,
Orlando and me, we're the same colour.
Exactly the same colour. He's basically like my son.
It's going to drive me mad. Where do I know you from?
Hey, stop scaring Orlando.
- It's a fucking dog, get over yourself. - No, I won't.
Right, that'll do.
- That'll do? - Mm-hmm.
You'd better have me looking glitz and glamour
or I will knock your lights out.
All right, Nan, finishing touches.
OK, Ola, mirror.
- Are you sure? - Show me the fucking mirror.
Mmm.
- Quite nice. - Yeah?
No, I look fucking awful.
I look like a fucking gypsy princess.
What have they done?
I'm questioning our friendship, Mandy, I really am.
Nan, you look great.
We're practically twins.
He said he would have a blue handkerchief,
what am I supposed to tell him?
Look out for the council estate drag queen.
Stop staring at him.
Come on, let's get away from this nasty lady.
Mandy, stop it.
I was a complete shambles on our wedding day.
I tore the whole marquee to pieces.
Argh!
I threw the Bible on the floor.
Joy must have had a lot of cleaning up to do after that.
- I'm sorry. - I came here for some kind of closure.
But I didn't know that until this conversation.
I've been kind of struggling...
with my sexuality.
You're a lesbian?
No, I'm struggling with my sexuality.
What other kind of struggle is worth talking about?
Being a virgin.
Not wanting to be a virgin.
Not knowing why I can't just meet someone.
But things are a little bit clearer
now you've apologised.
I didn't apologise.
- You said sorry. - For tearing down the marquee.
- No, wrong. - Let me articulate this truthfully.
I'm sorry that I put your mother through the cardio
of tidying up the shattered marquee
when cardio is clearly not a thing she's familiar with,
due to being morbidly obese and
unable to step foot in a gym
as she'd be an eyesore there.
I believe and know
that you owe me an apology.
I love you as my sister in Christ, but how could I feel sorry?
Your life is of no importance to me.
It's impossible to feel sorriness.
But thank you.
You were a footnote, I suppose,
in my journey towards being a full-on homo.
I won't be long, honey.
Cynthia, this is my boyfriend, Cleveland.
Are you feeling any better?
Enough!
Enough talking.
- M'hm! - Enough?
You, enough!
- I love you. - Excellent.
Sorry, where were we?
That's him. That's Bobby.
God, he'd be worth a fuck and a half.
You go.
I'll be fine.
What the actual fuck?
Oh, yeah, I know, right? I told her,
just totes inappropes, yeah?
- Here we are, madam. - Candice.
Lovely to meet you.
Oh, yes. Lovely to meet you, too.
- That's your menu, sir. - Thank you.
DANCE MUSIC
I took him to the street.
I took him to the park, I fed him,
I let him lick me and I got him doing bare tricks, you know,
just like that, bare tricks. I let him lick all my friends.
Yeah, I even let him lick my face, like,
I didn't think I would EVER let him do that, ever.
That's not for everyone, I suppose.
Do you mind? It's just that I think you might be his muse.
Shall we, um... yeah?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
OK.
Yeah, now, you come and stand next to me
and we might be able to get him to stay in front of the camera.
Yeah, probably good, to be fair.
- It's like me and this guy go way back. - Yeah.
- What do I do? Just tell him to stay? - Yeah.
Yo, stay. Stay.
Stay. Stay. Stay.
Stay. Stay.
- So... See, look? He's proper staying. - Yeah, yeah.
Stay, stay, stay, stay.
Oh, look, look at that. That is superb.
- D'you want some with him? - Er, yes!
Thumb up.
Smile. Smile.
I'm having a lovely time.
Me, too.
I don't know what to have. What are you having, Bobby?
Tell you what, Candice, you choose for me.
- Are you ready to order? - Just give me one more moment.
I think we'll have a tomato and mozzarella salad for two.
Perfect. Perfect.
That's great. Thank you very much.
You're gorgeous, you know.
- Really? - Yeah, just like I'd imagined you'd be.
Thanks.
Yes, yes.
Ah!
These lights are melting, Lance.
- Yeah, you are sweating. - Oh,
no wonder you don't stay in front of the camera.
- It's too hot. - Yeah, it's ruining the shots.
Sorry, I'm boiling. I'm going to take this off.
Yeah, let's just do underwear.
- Do... underwear? - Mm-hmm.
What, as in that's what I wear
while you proceed to take these pictures?
- No. - What do you mean? I'm gay.
- Real talk? - Mm-hmm.
Now, I thought you and me had like a...
OK, cool. Shame.
Underwear it is.
Orlando. See?
Oral, Orlando.
I knew I knew that dog.
Ah, ah!
Mandy.
What? Seen worse.
Ah!
Drop the mask, Tracy.
Right, now, look, you are a beautiful girl.
Don't be afraid of your own sexiness just because Orlando is there.
Look, I dare you to relax.
I dare you to free yourself.
That's it, yeah.
That's it. Yeah.
Now, why don't... Why don't you just let him
get in there, just a little. Yeah?
Yeah? Yeah?
I'm going to...
I'm going to put my clothes on now.
Mmm?
I'm going to put my clothes on now.
Is that... ?
- Is that legal? - No.
But what is? I mean, one day, the government will legalise it,
just so they can steal all the profit out of it. Until they do,
I will continue living my life like this.
Big market on the fetish scene for it.
Obviously a bit hit and miss with loner pup girls,
but you know what, I like the authentici... ty.
Fuck, Orlando!
Just because he drinks water from the toilet bowl
and eats food from the floor,
and he doesn't mind putting his nose up another dog's bum-bum,
doesn't mean you can make him do that.
I just think that it's a sad, sad world.
If you're going to sit here, stop whining.
SHE SNIFFS
You're not leaving until you apologise.
- Get out of my way. - You haven't changed.
You're trying to provoke me to touch you. I'm afraid I won't.
You can't stop hurting people.
- I'm surprised they don't despise you. - Oh, they do.
I sleep with Cleveland, Sam,
John, Paul,
and Gaultier.
But it's not biblical to judge or hate.
Furthermore, no-one will tell Cleveland.
I'll do as I please.
You do as you please as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.
And that's where you're wrong.
That's where you're... you're...
You're too close.
The sin is not having sex...
the sin is hurting people.
I can...
I can do what I want.
I can wear short skirts,
I can kiss someone...
as long as I'm not causing pain. Oh, my God.
But a kiss from a gorilla
is surely painful to anyone... Cynth-zilla.
Get out of my life.
SHE MOUTHS
Hi, Cynthia.
Cleveland,
how did you and Ronald find love?
Come. You deserve to know the truth.
I just need to do something.
I could do with a top-up.
Yeah, the service in here... honestly!
Is everything OK, sir?
Yeah. Can we get the lady a top-up?
I like you. You're demanding.
Oh. Oh, shit!
For fuck's sake! You blind, or something?
I am, actually!
What?
I just thank God Rocks for bringing us together.
He's my only friend.
No-one is friendly here.
It's been really hard.
Cleveland, I think you're lovely.
And you deserve the world.
Which is probably more than what the world decides to give you.
That's the bath... that's the...
- Oh, no! - Oh, hey.
Are you feeling better?
Can we discuss this...
... when I've finished?
CYNTHIA: Shall we go to Cheesy Eaters?
Why the fuck didn't you say something?
People judge you... especially women.
A blind guy just isn't an option.
It's not even an option you can consider.
So... what do you look like?
Mixed race.
Caramel sort of tone.
Occasionally I model.
I don't care. It's your voice.
The raspiness. It's affecting.
RASPS: Well, when I first saw you,
I said I reckoned that you were definitely worth a shag and a half.
Now, I'd say that you're probably worth at least two!
LAUGHING
I will always love you.
OK?
And I'll visit you.
Every day.
Never lick my face again, OK?
From now on, Orlando, it's about your future.
It's not about your past.
No, stop, stop!
This estate is no place for you.
It's time to go.
- You sure? - I promise you.
- And I can visit? - Of course.
- Every day, if I want to? - Yeah, if you really wanted to. It's possible.
OK, I wasn't really talking to you at all, but it's cool.
My grandma literally raised me.
I promise you, she'll take good care of him.
I'm glad she has great experience in raising dogs.
- Sorry. - One thing I will say before you go.
Keep him away from her vagina.
- What? - Vagina.
She said vagina.